The Paradox of Choice or why too many choices make us unhappy?
May 22, 2021, was supposed to be my wedding date. And yet, I couldn’t be further from this personal goal than I currently am.
You see, when I was younger, I used to love planning out my whole life scenario, setting the dates and personal deadlines for certain life moments. The wedding was one of them. May 22, 2021, was a perfect day for a wedding because:
a) it takes place on Saturday
b) I always wanted to get married in May
c) the date is one day before my parents’ anniversary, so I thought it would be a sentimental idea to celebrate mine, too.
That’s why when I was 13, I scrolled through my calendar on an old Samsung screen, to find the most suitable date to get married. And once the date was set, I believed the rest will come naturally (a husband, and so on).
And here we are. 2021. The global pandemic. Who could have thought? Definitely not a 13-year-old me.
Therefore, I am nowhere near getting married. As we all know, life doesn’t always plan out as one thought. And as much as I would love to claim that I remained optimistic and positive throughout the years, I can’t. As every healthy individual, I had my breakdowns, low points where I started comparing myself with the other people and their achievements or relationship status, and we know what happens then… Constantly reminding your inner self that you are on your individual journey and therefore, you mustn’t compare yourself with anybody else, is a good place to start. Remember, our life journeys differ. Our goals differ. Our values, strengths, and life approach differ, thus comparing your life to somebody else’s is not beneficial for your mental health at all. I had various therapists reminding me of that.
Yet, what I found extremely difficult to overcome in my head, was the society’s norms that most of us are so used to living up to. ‘Go to school, get good grades, go to university, graduate, find a job, marry, start a family, etc.’ Well, my journey didn’t fit society’s ‘standards’ right after graduating from secondary school already, as I decided to take a gap year and moved abroad. At that time, I felt empowered going against the flow. But I’d be lying if I were to say I haven’t thought of what might have happened if I were to follow the ‘normal’ life route. And I wonder to this day. Sometimes I am worried if I chose the right way, sometimes it upsets me watching my friends having their lives figured. Yet, remembering that everyone is following their individual life roads and what seems like ‘have figured the life out’ to me, might not seem the same to the others. So, wondering ‘what might have happened if…’ is an absolutely reasonable question to ask yourself at times. In my case, perhaps I would be getting married this May already if the circumstances were different…
The Paradox of Choice
In his book, The paradox of choice: Why more is less, Barry Schwartz proposes that too many choices limit one’s freedom.
‘Though Americans have more choice than any group of people ever has before, and thus, presumably, more freedom and autonomy, we don’t seem to be benefiting from it psychologically.’
Chapter 5, The Paradox of Choice.
Schwartz discusses how having too many choices causes an extended number of issues. ‘Freedom of choice’ leads individuals to feel powerless and frustrated, because choosing one among many other alternatives means giving up the rest of the opportunities. This leads to fear of missing out, FOMO, that many young people suffer from mentally. That is where my advice of ‘only compare yourself with a person you were yesterday’ comes in handy. Again, each of us has our personal life goals, and even if we don’t do the exact same cool things the other individuals are doing, it doesn’t make us an instant failure.
As we were younger, I bet you and I set ourselves tiny personal goals, such as be a good person, find a decent job or have a group of friends. However, as we move through life, we capture other people attaining more impressive achievements, so we start doubting ourselves and/or adding more pressure to our lifelong ‘to-do’ list. And as you wake up one morning and think to yourself ‘I am not good enough’, I advise you to remember the initial goal you set for yourself. Since the bar was way lower then, it would take you less to feel more satisfied with yourself. Our inner drive can lead us to overwork, putting too much pressure on ourselves, and feeling like a failure due to comparing ourselves with the rest of the world. Therefore, once again, practicing gratitude, re-inventing the personal or professional goals, and doing what you want and like (and not what the society or social media claim) might be a key to a more satisfying life as well as the less frustrated head of yours.
The choice is overwhelming (no sh*t, Sherlock). The number of opportunities available causes us stresses and, ultimately, a feeling of trapped unhappiness. We, as a society, have far more choices than previous generations. We are not expected to follow the ‘normal life standards’ I talked about before as much as we were encouraged to in the past. Being conscious of what impact the paradox of choices has on oneself, can help you to make a decision more wisely and control the way your choices influence your feelings.
In conclusion, I might not be getting married this year. Or even this decade. But that doesn’t make me a failure. I am aware of my achievements, I set my professional goals, and I am working towards attaining them daily. I am (or at least try to be) at peace with myself. And I recommend you do the same.
Truly Yours
Barry Schwartz (2004). The paradox of choice: why more is less. New York: Harper Perennial.